Month: January 2026

Blender

“Something’s wrong with this blender. It won’t work. I think it hates me.”

“Why don’t you plug it in?”

“I never plug blenders in. My parents never plugged them in, either. That’s absurd. It’s possessed.”

“You could try plugging it in.”

“And completely turn my back on my family, my values, my religion? No, I’m not going to hell over a blender. This thing has a demon.”

“Usually blenders don’t work unless you plug them in.”

“You would say that. You live in a corrupt society. You’re indoctrinated with groupthink. George Soros wants you to plug your blender in.”

“George Soros doesn’t know if I have a blender.”

“George Soros has interests that benefit from the growth of the blender industry. The elites are in bed with multinational corporations. You can’t just use a blender. Now you have to run electricity into it? Let me ask you: what did great-grandpa do? We’ve forgotten how to live. We’ve abandoned our cultural values.”

“Ever read about Alessandro Volta, Michael Faraday, Thomas Edison, Nicola Tesla? Maybe read a history book?”

“Your history or my history? You sound woke. I’m homeschooling my kids. In ten years, they won’t have blue hair and be living in Portland.”

“Okay, but could you please calm down?”

“No, I will not be calm. Next you’re going to tell me to trust the science. I don’t get my science from propaganda. The Overton Window has shifted. You want to kill me. This is a spiritual war for the soul of America.”

“No, it’s a blender.”

Law

Law

by Charles Bukowski

“Look,“ he told me,

“all those little children dying in the trees.”

And I said, “What?”

He said, “Look.”

And I went to the window and sure enough, there they were hanging in the trees,

dead and dying.

And I said, “What does it mean?”

He said, “I don’t know it’s authorized.”

The next day I got up and they had dogs in the trees,

hanging, dead, and dying.

I turned to my friend and I said, “What does it mean?”

And he said,

“Don’t worry about it, it’s the way of things. They took a vote. It was decided.”

The next day it was cats.

I don’t see how they caught all those cats so fast and hung them in the trees, but they did.

The next day it was horses,

and that wasn’t so good because many bad branches broke.

And after bacon and eggs the next day,

my friend pulled his pistol on me across the coffee

and said,

“Let’s go,”

and we went outside.

And here were all these men and women in the trees,

most of them dead or dying.

And he got the rope ready and I said,

“What does it mean?”

And he said, “It’s authorized, constitutional, it passed the majority,”

And he tied my hands behind my back then opened the noose.

“I don’t know who’s going to hang me,” he said,

“When I get done with you.

I suppose when it finally works down

there will be just one left and he’ll have to hang himself.”

“Suppose he doesn’t?” I ask.

“He has to,” he said,

“It’s authorized.”

“Oh,” I said, “Well,

let’s get on with it.”